I Still Dream About My Ex

have always had vivid dreams. I am usually able to remember them and dissect them, I used to write them down as soon as I woke up. Now, I don’t need to. They stick with me throughout my days.

Often, I have lucid dreams and when I’m not lucid, I am usually able to take control and make them so. I have had dreams predicting friends’ pregnancies, I have had dreams predicting events that happen later in my week. My period has been irregular since I was fifteen but I often dream I get my period the night before it arrives. I have spoken to dead ancestors in my dreams, I have received very clear messages for action from them.

So the fact that I still dream about my ex despite wanting nothing to do with him, despite being in a happy and healthy relationship more than two years after ours ended horribly, is something that could very easily mess with a person like me. (Click here to read the story of our break-up and get some background.) I don’t let this rest easy. I dissect, I consult with my amazing and talented mentor and friend. I ask my guides for more information and I try to shield up to protect myself from his negative influences.

Photo by Jr Korpa via Unsplash

he dreams are all very similar: I am in his apartment, sometimes it is the same apartment he lived in when we dated, sometimes it’s a new place I’ve never been before but I know that it’s his. I am not entirely supposed to be there. Sometimes I’m sneaking in to reclaim something that’s mine which I left, something I want but not enough to speak to him — so I obviously just break and enter! But sometimes I’m just taking things to hurt him. Another storyline is that he thinks I’m his girlfriend again and every part of my being is saying I don’t want this, that I have a caring boyfriend (my real life boyfriend) at home. But I allow him to think that I want to get back together so that I can get access to his house, so that I can take back what’s mine.

He is not present for most of the dream, but the entire time I am anxious of impending arrival. Whether he believes we are dating again or not, I do not want to see him. His roommate always comes home and finds me, and I explain I’m waiting on him or lie and say he told me I could come by and get something. The roommate always accepts this explanation and keeps on doing his own thing. Sometimes we catch up, he’s nice in the dreams as he was in real life but in the dreams he is more of a comforting presence than he ever was in real life.

When I try to leave it’s difficult. Doors move, exits change. I try to find a new way to get out and I know that he’ll be home soon. This is what most of my dream is: trying to leave while the anxiety mounts.

Sometimes I wake myself up before I get out or become lucid and get away. Sometimes he catches me, and this is only in the instance when he believes we are together again. I’ve successfully tricked him, as he tricked me for two and a half years. He hugs me, he acts like an excited puppy.

This is not all of him.

This is not his entire true self. This is the part of him that I still believe loved me enough to give it a go. The dark side of him: the cheating, lying, manipulative, selfish side of him, is just around the corner. I know this in waking and in dreaming life. I let him hug me, I make excuses. All I want is to take my things and leave, I want to get back to my real life, my real boyfriend.

I am never able to tell him that I don’t want to be with him. He will not let me speak. He just tells me all the plans he has for us, all the exciting things we will do. He is trying so hard to please me. He is trying so hard to be who I needed him to be years ago.

The best I am able to do is to leave, promising I will be back. But I do not come back, I do not want to go back.

The dream is high-anxiety, and considering the impact is has on me, I’d say it’s fair to qualify it as a nightmare. I take as much control as I can, frantically trying to find my way out. I do not want to be near him, I do not want to be in his home. I sometimes have this dream several nights in a row. Usually it’s about twice a month or so.

Photo by Daniel Roberts via Unsplash

his is what I take away from the dream:

I am the one in his space. There is something in his psychic or physical realm that I still need or want. What that is, I truly can’t say. Maybe one of these days I will get a clear sign!

My ex’s lack of presence represents his lack of presence in our relationship. His roommate, I believe, is a guide of mine, watching out for me, letting me know I’m not alone.

My conscious mind says ‘be well’, but my subconscious wants to hurt him. I want to rob him of something as he robbed me. He was once my home: my comfort, my light. He took that from me when he betrayed my trust. Now, a part of me wants to go into his comfortzone and take parts of him too. You could even read the storylines in which he thinks we are back together and I am ‘unable’ to tell him I don’t want this, as a way for me to hurt him further. By misleading him, I have the power to pull the rug out from under him as he did to me.

I am not a perfect person, and I’ve made mistakes in my past relationship(s) and my current relationship. These dreams don’t paint me as perfect: I am lying, sneaking around, blurring the truth. They’re not comfortable, they’re not comforting, but are they just dreams?

I am inclined to say no, I do believe these dreams are trying to tell me something. I will say that reaching out to him is not in the cards for me at least right now but I will say that I am open to suggestion.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my dreams, please feel free to ask questions! If you’d like me to help you dissect your own dreams, don’t hesitate to reach out either!

Author of “Drink Like a Bartender”: rated one of the ‘Best Booze Books of 2017’ by “Forbes Magazine”, Published Poet + Attempted Novelist [theaengst.com]

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